Clearing my head.

 I have way to many thought to keep up with in my head, I am going to thought purge. Okay here it goes.

 I feel like I can't do anything right as a Mom.... I miss my Idaho friends... I miss my Idaho family the Lynns.... I hurt one of my Idaho friends feelings because of my lack of tact and I wish so much that she could understand how sorry I am so that we could be friends again because I really enjoyed our friendship.... I have really good Florida friends.... I love the beach and collecting sea shells and wish that I could go every day by myself  for a few hours.... I had a crappy birthday and I am still annoyed about it... My tiny apt is a blessing and a curse, blessing because we have a place to live in, curse because it is so tiny and and it gets dirty so easy and I am waiting for our apt management to decide that we have one to many people in our apt long enough and try to make us move to a 3 bedroom that we can't afford..... I am is a self criticizing funk that I am having a hard time getting out of, and I am starting to get depressed because of it...... I hate folding laundry and will leave it in the laundry baskets until Tony breaks down and does it..... Sorry Tony......My Mom is my pep talk super hero, she helps me to think of ways to feel much better about myself when I am in one of my self loathing funks..... My friend Rianna is awesome.... I am really sad that I don't live it Idaho because I want to throw a baby shower for my friend Lara J. after years and years of trying they finally got blessed with a beautiful pregnancy and I am afraid that her new friends don't appreciate her situation enough to throw a awesome baby shower for her.....  Jason and Lara I am beyond excited for you guys.... This kids is going to know movies better than any other kid on the block and will probably win a movie trivia competition when he is like 3 hahaha!... I'm not going to name names on this one, but I want to beat the tar out of one of my friends older brothers because he is being a ridiculous jerk face to her..... I have the Best family and In-laws.... I think my Sister in-law C.H. is amazing she has been through a lot in her life and is still positive and I am very happy for her and her new happy family life.....I love going to the Temple...... My husband is such an amazing man and I am so grateful that he chose me, he is such a blessing to me.... I love my kids so much and and feel so blessed that they chose me to be their mom, I wish I could remember that better when I am having my mom struggles..... I haven't vacuumed my car in over 6 months and it bugs me, I don't want to pay to use a vacuum at the car wash because I can't vacuum my own car out at my apt because I don't have a 5000 foot extension cord....  Amanda, I miss you.....They don't have PaPa Murphy's in Florida..... that bugs me...... My scripture study skills ins majorly lacking, and I am having a hard time getting back into the swing of it.... I think my cousin Camille is an amazing person....  Colleen Johnson I am still so so so so grateful to you for all of your help to find us a place to live here in Florida..... Manatee's are adorable....I am looking forward to seeing Sea Turtles...... I am addicted to food, and have very little self control when it comes to eating..... I hate that about myself..... I think that i may continue to thought purge on my blog, because now I feel much better.......maybe..... I don't know...... you may learn more about me that you may not want to know.....

Blah.

Do you ever have those times where you look back and think about things that you have said to other people? I do this way to much to myself, and I usually think of the things that I said that was un-intentionally hurtful ( I'm very good at sticking my foot in my mouth) and I realized it later, and I try to apologize to the person about it, and they brush it off like its no big deal. Making me feel like my apology meant nothing, because they wouldn't take the time to listen to me... maybe because they are still hurt by what I said so they don't want to hear it, maybe because they aren't ready to forgive me. Who knows the reason. And maybe I'm completely wrong altogether, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing(which is probably what it is). I don't know, I guess my point is. I wish people would let me apologized and explain myself from my point of view so they can understand why I say  things they way I do. Because honestly, some times I don't know how to say things tactfully, or how to say something in a pretty way to make something sound better than it really is.

But the bottom line is. I'M AM SORRY. And I wish that you would let me say it properly.

Jayne = Constant Adventure…

Meet Jayne…

Jayne likes to push her diaper down and walk around with plumber butt. ( apparently  both the girls like to scribble all over my mirror….. ya I know its disgusting looking)

Jayne likes to climb into things and then complain because she can’t get out, I usually let her try to figure it out on her own, and this time she did a good job at figuring it out!

Jayne is pretty silly and I love her adorable personality, it’s sooooo different than Erinn’s. (Erinn is pretty darn adorable too!)

We taught Jayne how to do the “ my name is chubby face” and its Awesome!!

Jayne is soooo stubborn some day I’m not sure how it handle it, but I survive and wonder what the next day holds.

Mothers day.

Yep that’s right I got tickets to go see Avengers…. and it was AWESOME!! One of the best mothers day gift so far! Hope you had a great mothers day too.

Sleeping…

So I have given up an trying to put Erinn down for after noon naps. Reason being… she just screams the whole time, and I have decided that for my own mental health and stress levels its not worth it. Some day I wish that she would take a nap, some days she fine and some days I look over and she has found a place to get comfy and fall asleep all on her own. here hare some pictures of some of the funny places she has fallen asleep.

Don’t you wish that you could just fall asleep where ever you wanted some time? I know I do!

Ugh….

    I have come to realize that I need to change some things about myself. For a while now, I’ve sorta had that feeling that goes along the lines of “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!” I feel like I have become the worst version of myself. I have pent up tension inside me all the time just waiting for a reason to break free and yell at someone. And most of the time it ends up being my family. Have you ever gotten to that point where you are yelling at your kids and you are wondering why you are yelling at your kids, because in reality they are acting like a typical 2 year old and 1 year old, but you can’t stop yelling because that tension has let loose.  Or you yell at your husband for not putting his socks into the hamper and you can’t help but bring up every nit picky thing that bugs you about him.  I have become mean mom and monster wife, and I hate it. I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now why I have been this way. After much self reflection, I have decided that I am a selfish jerk who needs to realize its not always about me. I need to start reading my scripture more, have more meaningful prayers, go to the Temple more, and I need to realize that everyone else has feelings too! I need to pay attention to the needs of my children instead of focusing on the fact that they just interrupted something I was doing. My husband needs me to be the best supportive wife that he deserves instead of someone that he feels like he has to tip toe around. I know that it is a lot of work to work on, and I can’t do it all at once or else I’m setting myself up for failure. So after much prayer and long conversations with my Heavenly Father and pondering on the things that I need to change. I have come to the conclusion that the first place I need to start is… I need to come closer to my Father in Heaven, I need to feel His presence more in my life in all  aspects. I have a lot of study and prayer and temple attendance ahead of me, along with continuing self evaluation, so I don’t fall back into my old familiar patterns, and if I do this, I KNOW that everything else will fall into place. I know that as I do this my attitude will start to change and I will become the person that I want to be, and that my family needs me to be. I know that my Heavenly Father will help me to be more conscious of the other things and help me to make better decisions as I strive to do what I need to do.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy, I am grateful for all that he gives to me everyday, it is time for me to start showing it.  I know that I have a lot ahead of me, and that it wont be immediate results (though it would be nice!) but I am trying, and that’s what matters most.

Christmas Trip.

 

We got to go to California for the week before Christmas.  We weren't planning on going anywhere for Christmas because we didn’t have the funds to do so.  My brother Chad called us up one day and told us that his kids (from is 1st marriage) get to come to stay with him for the week before Christmas, and that if we could get to Salt Lake he would drive us to California and back.  SWEET CHEESE!! Tony and I talked it over and said YES!!!  We spent a couple of days with Tony’s family unfortunatly I didn’t take very many pictures when we were there and the ones that I had I posted in the previous post. My brother Ty and my sister Cis took all of the ones I posted today.

The oldest sibling of us all Ty.

All of the Grand Babies love Grandpa!

Dad ,Chad, and Baby Ayla.

My wonderful Sister in-law Karla.

Snuggling with Grandpa.

My Jayne and my Sister Cissie. No that is not her real name

but that’s a long explanation…

My other wonderful Sister in-law Theresa.

Erinn, Tony, and Me.

Cis and her Wonderful Husband Jason and Liam.

Miss Erinn

Cis, Savannah,and Jillian. They got aprons for Chirstmas.

Tyffton

Triston

The Ginger Bread Cul de sac.

The fun!

It was such a fun trip! We had family pictures taken with a photographer because the first time in years the whole family was together!  I will post those pictures in another post. We did a big Birthday party for Ty and Jayne because their birthday are 2 days apart. Jayne was actually due on Ty’s birthday but she came 2 days early. The day that we did our “Christmas” with  the Bowman’s we did family photos then opened presents, we sent the kids out side to play, got ready for the feast, ate, cleaned up, vegged out, and then Ginger bread houses. it was so much fun.

With Tony’s family We all got together at his sister Colleen’s house and did Christmas there. We had a pizza party and lots of yummy desert, Opened presents. The kids had fun playing with each other and playing with their presents. All of us mom’s left the kids with the dad’s and we went to walmart to pick of a few things we needed. It was fun to visit with everyone. We enjoyed our trip dispite the loooooooong car ride. We are so glad that we got to come.

Thank you Chad and Theresa for driving us. We very much appreciate it. We love you miss you all.