Ugh….

    I have come to realize that I need to change some things about myself. For a while now, I’ve sorta had that feeling that goes along the lines of “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!” I feel like I have become the worst version of myself. I have pent up tension inside me all the time just waiting for a reason to break free and yell at someone. And most of the time it ends up being my family. Have you ever gotten to that point where you are yelling at your kids and you are wondering why you are yelling at your kids, because in reality they are acting like a typical 2 year old and 1 year old, but you can’t stop yelling because that tension has let loose.  Or you yell at your husband for not putting his socks into the hamper and you can’t help but bring up every nit picky thing that bugs you about him.  I have become mean mom and monster wife, and I hate it. I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now why I have been this way. After much self reflection, I have decided that I am a selfish jerk who needs to realize its not always about me. I need to start reading my scripture more, have more meaningful prayers, go to the Temple more, and I need to realize that everyone else has feelings too! I need to pay attention to the needs of my children instead of focusing on the fact that they just interrupted something I was doing. My husband needs me to be the best supportive wife that he deserves instead of someone that he feels like he has to tip toe around. I know that it is a lot of work to work on, and I can’t do it all at once or else I’m setting myself up for failure. So after much prayer and long conversations with my Heavenly Father and pondering on the things that I need to change. I have come to the conclusion that the first place I need to start is… I need to come closer to my Father in Heaven, I need to feel His presence more in my life in all  aspects. I have a lot of study and prayer and temple attendance ahead of me, along with continuing self evaluation, so I don’t fall back into my old familiar patterns, and if I do this, I KNOW that everything else will fall into place. I know that as I do this my attitude will start to change and I will become the person that I want to be, and that my family needs me to be. I know that my Heavenly Father will help me to be more conscious of the other things and help me to make better decisions as I strive to do what I need to do.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy, I am grateful for all that he gives to me everyday, it is time for me to start showing it.  I know that I have a lot ahead of me, and that it wont be immediate results (though it would be nice!) but I am trying, and that’s what matters most.